I realized today that my whole life is about avoidance.

The only reason I do most of the things I do is to avoid something.  I try to get decent grades to avoid having my parents being angry with me.  I'm not "looking for love" , I'm trying to avoid being alone for the rest of my life.

Avoidance is how I deal with everything.  If I don't like someone who's obviously interested in me, I avoid them.  I don't have the balls to just straight up tell them, "No thanks".

This is something I've been meaning to work on for a while but it just struck me this morning that my whole life is based around fear.

1. it's official- my boobs have grown once again.  i threw a shirt on my chest to fold it and it stuck.  oh well, they look pretty amazing so it's all good.

2. i hate being alone at night during thunderstorms...there are way too many scary sounds for me to deal with.

3. sunday's my birthday!  i'm crazy excited for it; hopefully it won't be super lame like last year.

i think i'll update with what's happened since i've been back in colorado but right now i'm in the middle of cleaning my room.  yeah, at 12 am.  i. am. awesome.

1. i fucking love my body right now and i don't fucking care who knows it.

2. i'm tired of sleeping alone.  i'm tired of being alone.  but i've been taking care of myself for almost 20 years and i can keep on doing that until you show up, boy.  whoever you are.

3. i wish the reason you "can't wait" was to see me.  but i know it's just for duck season.  but i still hope deep down inside.  because i am a sentimental old fool who still believes that you can be that epic love story for me.

4. all my saved secrets from post secret/ljsecret are so sappy, i can't even believe it was me, the cynic, who actually related to them.  and yet i do, from the depths of my soul.  and i don't know what that means about myself.

5. i loved my friend's reaction when i bought two pairs of shoes at $60 each. she was appalled.  it made me feel so good about myself that i could pull out those three $100 bills and only have to give two away.  yeah, i fucking worked hard to be able to buy myself the things i want.  working 32 hours a week on top of having class 9 hours/week was not easy.  but i fucking work because i know that's what i have to do.  i'm sorry you can't get a proper job but maybe you should have started working on that two years ago, when people were still ok with you having little to no experience.  now that you're 20, it doesn't look so good to employers.

and you know what, i made back that money i spent plus some in three days.  mostly by just sitting on my ass house-sitting.  it's called connections; they're what you need to get through life.  so people may give me shit for thanking the judge at my show, calling it "ass-kissing" but you know what?  i may just meet up with that judge at a job interview or maybe show under her again.  and i bet she'll remember me.  i work for one family over the summer.  i work HARD for that family over the summer.  i got a raise in pay for my office job because of how much i busted my ass.  so don't whine to me about how you're broke.  you need to work hard to get anywhere in life.

6. i hated when my friend said how much she hated the sex & the city movie...because i wish i was carrie.  well, i want a life like her.  i want an epic love story where you can't stay away from him, no matter how much you want to.  how you keep coming back to each other.  i want to have a fabulous lifestyle with fabulous friends and fabulous clothes.  and you know what friend who said the movie was anti-feminist, carrie earned all that for herself.  she bought herself the clothes, she bought herself the shoes.  she bought herself the lifestyle she wanted and i admire that.  so she happened to fall in love with a rich man. "it's just as easy to love a rich man as it is a poor man."

 sometimes i feel like failing would be so much easier.

I've been listening to a lot of Vanessa Carlton lately.

She just seems to relate so well to my moods as of late.  Like, if I could write well, she's written what I would have.

And she's inspired me to want to learn the guitar.  I know she plays the piano but it just, I don't know, is so inspirational I really want to try the guitar again.  So, first step, is to tune the damn thing again.  Which I think I will do as soon as I'm done with this.  But, I don't remember anything about it.  Like which string is which and how to play any chords and just eugh.  I'm not very musical and it's going to be hard but I really want to do it.

Anyway, if you're feeling down, you should definitely listen to some Vanessa Carlton- Be Not Nobody.  It makes me feel better anyway.

Last night I got embarassingly drunk.

And I had so much fun.  Well, until the puking commenced.

I seriously don't think I've ever been that intoxicated in my life.  But, well, that's what not drinking for a few months and then doing more than a few tequila shots in 2 hours will do to you.

Mom thought it was funny this morning.  So, it's whatever.


I have been working wayyyy too much lately.  Seriously, I get about an hour and a half break until from one job to the next.  I am not pleased to find out what will happen when I try to do this while house-sitting too.

On the plus side, I may get to go back to school in the fall!  Dad really wants me to go but Mom really doesn't.  So, I think I'm going to try and re-take my stats class while I'm home and (hopefully) get an A in it to show her that I can actually do well.  And I really don't know why I haven't been.

Well, that's a lie.  I haven't been doing well because I'm lazy.  But, I think that's changed.  If not, I will make it change.  I just really need to get back to Colorado ASAP.